I must become a lionhearted girl

I have a love/hate relationship with the night. It’s calm, quiet and cool. But at the same time it’s horrifying and suffocating. I’m terrified to sleep because I can feel the dread closing in over me in the dark like a physical thing. Like being in a cocoon with tendrils of fear hovering on the outside, waiting to strangle you.

I used to live for the nighttime, no one was around to bother me. My imagination was more vivid and I just felt more alive (despite how sleepy I would get sometimes lol) It didn’t matter if I slept late the next day because I didn’t give a fuck. I can’t do that anymore though.

Now I end up sitting awake until sunrise, because the sun is safe. I can see everything around me. There’s nothing lurking in the shadows and it’s just… safe.

Too many night terrors, too many. 

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My friend challenged me to reenforce my brain, going back to baby steps and thoughts like “I WILL push out these thoughts for the next hour.” I just ate breakfast and I already feel weak and unable to do it :/

But I’m gonna try anyways…

Eating is getting harder and harder for me now. It feels like I’m suffocating and my throat is closing every time I try. I can hardly drink water in that state. It’s terrifying and it isn’t even a panic attack, it’s just like my body won’t work anymore, it shuts right off.

I’m so glad I’m seeing my therapist today, and making another doctors appointment. I woke up choking about an hour ago (fuck knows why) and I thought I was losing my mind with terror. I sort of slacked off on the medication front, I just haven’t gotten around to scheduling another appointment to get it taken care of, now I realize that it is mandatory.

I honestly believe that medication can help some people, not EVERYONE should have it, I agree that it is given out too freely. But when you legitimately have clinical depression or an anxiety disorder, not just an irrational bullshit that you’ve developed over a short period that therapy and a change of atmosphere can cure, than it could help. The people that have become addicted and talk shit about medication (that I’ve noticed) are the ones that never needed it in the first place. So just because you don’t think medication is the answer doesn’t mean you’re right, it probably means you’re prejudice because you had a bad experience or you heard shit from people who had a bad experience. You can sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up too.

My mother has very, VERY severe depression, she wasn’t on medication until her late 30, early 40’s. If she doesn’t take that medication living with her is hell on earth. THAT is how I know medication works, if you actually need it.

I don’t think many people truly understand anxiety disorders, the depth of it is greater than you could ever imagine. I get people telling me “Just think happy thoughts! Just focus on something else, make something, DO something.” No, you really don’t understand. When my mind is in that place, when I feel sick and I’m afraid I’m going to throw up, there is NOTHING that can penetrate that, not one single thing. You could talk to me and I wouldn’t hear a word I would be so consumed by it. There is no happy thought, there is no quiet place, there is NOTHING but that until it passes. Clinical depression and anxiety are things you are born with, they’re imbalances in your brain that don’t have a fucking off and on switch that you can fuck around with.

That’s one of the reasons it pisses me off when people talk about their so called “mental problems” half the people who state EVERYWHERE that they have depression or anxiety are full of shit. I don’t believe for one second these posers could even begin to comprehend anything close to what I feel. So sit THE FUCK down.

I am pissed and I have a lot of fucking feelings this morning. If anything I’ve said pisses you off, good.

Something painfully upsetting about everything going on, is my fear of eating fresh, healthy food. I see things like this and just melt, because I WANT to eat it but I just couldn’t make myself. I’m too afraid of it being “poisoned” or bad in some way. I’ve seen a lot of recalls on fresh produce like that and it scared the shit out of me. Unless my mom fixes it for me I will have trouble with it.

It makes creating a shopping list very difficult.

Intro! Might be triggering~

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